Sayings of Truth

• Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

• Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

• I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.  So I said "Implants?"  She hit me.

• I don't do drugs.  I get the same effect just standing up fast.

• Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

• I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

• I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

• I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

• There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

• I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

• Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

• How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

• Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

• Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

• Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

• Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:  "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"