The Middle Wife
I've been teaching now
for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know
is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness. Usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them.
If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is
Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through
an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh
and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh,
oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around
the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing
this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My Dad called
the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car
like the Domino's man."
"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down
with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of
water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled
all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with
her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out
comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's
play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm
sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I
bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
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